you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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