Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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