everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
