sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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