I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
