Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
