all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
