i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
