Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
