I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I have fence marks all over my body
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
