Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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