probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
