i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
