phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
