I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Randomize
