I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Mom said you looked used
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
