Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
