My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
