Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He kissed a someone with a penis
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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