i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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