he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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