I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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