On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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