I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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