One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
