You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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