I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
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The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
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We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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