found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
