My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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