so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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