i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
zippers are such a cool invention
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
