I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
