just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
