My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
