dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
