weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
