I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
