is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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