I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
