We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
