i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
