ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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