you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Randomize
