This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
