I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
