I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
