I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
