your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
