I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
