im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish life had little blips of pornography
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
