If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
