I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
