I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
