Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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