My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
