..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
