Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
