Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
