I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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