Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
