You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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