I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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