How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize