ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
